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Campaign '04


September 12, 2003

As some of you may know, I'm a graduate student in public policy, which means that I spend my time thinking about politics and a variety of other boring nonsense. That said, the political process does have significant implications for everyone, from the most well-heeled New York real estate investor to the grimiest low-life piece of scum on earth.

As such, I feel it's my duty to give you, the loyal readers of Periodic Diversions, my highly informed and professional academic analysis of each of the Democratic primary candidates. After all, regardless of your state of residence, gender, and dare I say it, nationality, this election will certainly determine the course of your life, to say nothing of the course of human history.

Ahem.

John Kerry: I currently live in the state this man represents in the US Senate, so I meet a lot of people who have very strong opinions about him. Unfortunately, I mostly get in fistfights with these people over things like parking fines and "sexual harassment" (whatever THAT means), so I don't really know anything about him. Sorry. I can tell you, however, that he's married to the Heinz ketchup (catsup?) heiress, so he can't be all bad. And if he wins, hey-- free ketchup.

Al Sharpton: As a card-carrying member of both the NAACP and KKK, I am unable to offer any single opinion on Al Sharpton. So here are two rather differing opinions; choose the one you like best.
1) Al Sharpton is an important leader in the African-American community. His is the only campaign that will address the important needs of African-Americans (except for Carol Moseley Braun, but fuck her).
2) Al Sharpton is, at best, a devil. At worst, he's not even human, so you really can't vote for him. Heil Hitler.

Dennis Kucinich: Dennis Kucinich is a man with a message. And that message is: Elect Me and Watch the World Burn. Come on, Dennis. Leave the WTO? Who are we gonna find in the US with fingers small enough to work modern industrial sewing machines? YOU? I didn't think so. Get real, pal-- giant bloodsucking corporations are our new masters, and we must not anger them. [As a side note, I predict that Dennis Kucinich will receive somewhere between 0% and 1% of the popular vote, which will make him one of the few politicians at whom John Anderson can legitimately laugh]

Howard Dean: Gay

Wesley Clark: Retired General Wesley Clark is the former supreme allied commander of NATO, so you know he hates the French. Which is good. He's old, though, and I don't like those uniforms. I'D rather vote for Mayor McCheese. Now there's a leader. And tasty, too.

Carol Moseley Braun: First of all, her name's too complex. I'm not even sure I've spelled it correctly, but I'm so uninterested in her campaign that I'm not gonna bother to look it up. Aw, who am I kidding? Carol Moseley Braun will be the next President (or is it Presideuse?) of the US, and there's nothing we can do about it. I guess we'll just have to settle into the idea of having stable social services, revitalized national infrastructure, and improved diplomatic relations with the entire world. Shit.

The Guy From Florida: What's his name? Graham? Gimme a break.

Richard Gephardt: Congressman Gephardt thinks the 3rd time will be the charm. News flash, Dick: NO FUCKING WAY. In the New Mexico debate last week, he called the Bush administration a "miserable failure". I agree. However, I would remind this well-known and distinguished public servant that Bush has people killed for stuff like that. Drop out now, Gephardt, for your children's sake.

Joseph Lieberman: Also not sure about the spelling. Lieberman is the campaign's most interesting candidate, because he's a conservative Republican running as a Democrat. I also like the fact that his idea of reaching out [read: pandering] to the Hispanic community is to say "Yo Quiero Taco Bell" and then laugh about how funny Mexico-talk sounds. Yeah, he'll be a great President. I really want another leader who masturbates to videos of B-29s carpet-bombing Laos and who giggles at foreign languages. Joe? No!

Why do I feel like I've forgotten someone? Oh well, I'm sure it doesn't matter; Bush is gonna win. Don't agree? Come on, dumbass: the guy's raising enough money to outspend the nearest Democratic contender by at least $50 million. After these nine or ten or twelve Democratic numbskulls beat each other to death, their campaign coffers will be practically bled dry. Then Bush will just run some commercials showing 9/11 footage or scenes from his ranch or shots of the Prez with an ethnically diverse group of Handicapped Children, American Families, and Regular Folks. People will eat it up.

While I'm predicting things, here's a guess at what'll happen after Bush is re-elected:
1) The Supreme Court will be disbanded, to be replaced by a large domestic army of heavy-set men with clubs.
2) No more jobs for blacks; lots of cash for old fat white men and their sniveling progeny.
3) The US will violate, oh, I don't know, some unbelievable number of international laws... wait. That happened already.
4) The American people will be required to chant "Go, Bush, GO!" at all major public gatherings, including the rush-hour subway commute and most religious services (obviously, mosque-goers will be required to chant, "Help! Help! Someone tell these club-wielding brutes that their actions are unconstitutional!").
5) Schoolchildren will be issued a small wooden tablet, a pencil, and a used leather satchel. All other materials will be melted down and used for The War on Terror.
6) The national anthem will be replaced by either "Texas, Our Texas" or "The Ode to Impunity"
7) Free dental care! Just kidding. Bush will confiscate as many teeth as needed to stop the terrorists.
8) Books will only be sold at Federal Education Centers. All books will be written by Tom Clancy or James Michener. Citizens will be encouraged to use old books for kindling during the long, cold period following the 2004 election.
9) The tax cuts will be expanded to refund money "stolen by the damn liberals" for such programs as Head Start, VA hospitals, and the entire Department of Housing and Urban Development.
10) National Chili Day will replace Martin Luther King, Jr. Day. Celebrations on National Chili Day will consist of rounding up "suspicious" young black men and eating chili.

I'm no expert, mind you, and a lot of these predictions might not be accurate. It is also entirely probable that my characterizations of the Democratic contenders are glib, if not wildly irresponsible. I'd like to think that they contain some modicum of truth, and I'd hope that you do too. I also recognize that, by writing this article, I'm opening myself up to arrest and prosecution consistent with the National Love and Cooperation Act of 2006.

Hail Bush!


Comments

a superb article -- i can't wait for president mosley-braun. at least she's as corrupt as all the other presidents we've had.

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Interesting. I think it should be noted that Carol Moseley Braun doesn't actually campaign. Her "run" for president is simply a public relations move that she hopes will bring her larger "speaker" fees, once her non-campaign bites the preverbial dust. At least Kucinich gets his sorry Ohioan [expletive] out on the trail. If only three people show up to one of his campaign events, he will still talk with them. Although, there is a greater chance that monkeys will come flying out of my [expletive], than there is of Dennis becoming the next POTUS.

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Posted by: Brady Mcpherson on December 3, 2006 03:27 PM

Social networking site MySpace is to block users from uploading copyrighted music to its pages...

Posted by: Miguel Barrow on December 4, 2006 10:28 AM

Social networking site MySpace is to block users from uploading copyrighted music to its pages...

Posted by: Miguel Barrow on December 4, 2006 10:28 AM

Pop trio Atomic Kitten will reform to play a concert in support of jailed Liverpool football fan Michael Shields...

Posted by: Jonah Carrington on December 4, 2006 04:45 PM

Borat creator Sacha Baron Cohen reportedly signs a $42.5m (£22m) film deal starring his character Bruno...

Posted by: August Wilson on December 4, 2006 11:09 PM

The Red Hot Chili Peppers are leading the way at this years MTV Europe music awards with four nominations...

Posted by: Mathew Nickerson on December 5, 2006 05:08 AM

Colombia's vice president is "baffled" by Kate Moss's success following cocaine allegations...

Posted by: Dandre Milliken on December 5, 2006 05:44 PM

The Red Hot Chili Peppers are leading the way at this years MTV Europe music awards with four nominations...

Posted by: Tobias Bernier on December 6, 2006 12:06 AM

The Red Hot Chili Peppers are leading the way at this years MTV Europe music awards with four nominations...

Posted by: Tobias Bernier on December 6, 2006 12:07 AM

William Styron, whose Holocaust novel Sophie's Choice became a film and an opera, has died, aged 81...

Posted by: Will Garnett on December 6, 2006 01:18 PM

William Styron, whose Holocaust novel Sophie's Choice became a film and an opera, has died, aged 81...

Posted by: Will Garnett on December 6, 2006 01:19 PM

William Styron, whose Holocaust novel Sophie's Choice became a film and an opera, has died, aged 81...

Posted by: Will Garnett on December 6, 2006 01:21 PM

Borat creator Sacha Baron Cohen reportedly signs a $42.5m (£22m) film deal starring his character Bruno...

Posted by: Francis Perryman on December 6, 2006 01:36 PM

William Styron, whose Holocaust novel Sophie's Choice became a film and an opera, has died, aged 81...

Posted by: Shawn Salerno on December 6, 2006 01:39 PM

William Styron, whose Holocaust novel Sophie's Choice became a film and an opera, has died, aged 81...

Posted by: Shawn Salerno on December 6, 2006 01:46 PM

William Styron, whose Holocaust novel Sophie's Choice became a film and an opera, has died, aged 81...

Posted by: Dallas Wenger on December 6, 2006 01:50 PM

William Styron, whose Holocaust novel Sophie's Choice became a film and an opera, has died, aged 81...

Posted by: Dallas Wenger on December 6, 2006 01:53 PM

Veteran game show host Bob Barker is stepping down from hosting The Price is Right after 35 years...

Posted by: Kai Flaherty on December 6, 2006 02:00 PM

Veteran game show host Bob Barker is stepping down from hosting The Price is Right after 35 years...

Posted by: Kai Flaherty on December 6, 2006 02:01 PM

William Styron, whose Holocaust novel Sophie's Choice became a film and an opera, has died, aged 81...

Posted by: Joey Stafford on December 6, 2006 02:11 PM

William Styron, whose Holocaust novel Sophie's Choice became a film and an opera, has died, aged 81...

Posted by: Joey Stafford on December 6, 2006 02:16 PM

Singer George Michael lends the piano on which John Lennon wrote Imagine to an anti-war exhibition...

Posted by: Jakob Fry on December 6, 2006 02:22 PM

Singer George Michael lends the piano on which John Lennon wrote Imagine to an anti-war exhibition...

Posted by: Jakob Fry on December 6, 2006 02:28 PM

Veteran game show host Bob Barker is stepping down from hosting The Price is Right after 35 years...

Posted by: Dwight Hylton on December 6, 2006 02:33 PM
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