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A thoughtful collection of retrospectives on life just west of Smyrna, Georgia, taken from its' original crayon-on-napkin form and reproduced for the benefit of reading online at the municipal computer terminal of Marietta Courthouse. Cyrus Worley is a contributing editor for Varmit Roundup and The Other Farmers Almanac. His work has also appeared in many 'example problem' sections of Georgia State Standardized Tests.
I just asked her to tell me that she loved me. No, I begged her to tell me.
“Just once, say it, say it out loud. I want to feel it.”
“I love you,” she said.
All I heard was, “I heart you.” Or, “You can’t be serious Cyrus.”
I was. It didn’t matter, watching her lips move was just as nice. But we had something there between the two of us. She knew what I needed, and I her. So I slipped her the cash, you have no idea how subtle I can be. I put it right under her nose, and she gave me what every red-blooded, football watching, stick shift driving American wanted… I wanted her to love me, and give me that refill.
“Bud light. It’s never done no wrong to nobody.” I gulped that shit down as fast as I could, waiting to make another proposal to her tonight. Perhaps if she let me lay under the tap for awhile I might name another daughter after her:
“Tatted Lesbian,” I would call out; and wouldn’t you know it, my beautiful little six year old would jump up onto my knee. Sure she might get a little ribbing in school, but it was a father’s promise to the woman that he met after several pitchers of a weeknight discount beer. She should be glad she wasn’t called 'Pabst'. The school board would have a field day with that; every single time she’d wear a nametag there would be some flack about how she was endorsing underage drinking. No, TL (for short) would be just fine, any arguments and the ACLU would be so far up their ass, they wouldn’t have another Caldecott Medal on their library shelves for at least a century.
Besides, Pabst is a dog’s name.
—Cyrus
4-15-1998
Dear Diary:
The government has no idea how much I have suckled in the past year. Between the weekly expenditure of food stamps and the ‘Dependencies’ I claim on the annual tax return you would think that SOMEBODY over in the District of Columbia might be suspicious.
Liquor you can’t buy with stamps, but can goods, those are an entirely different enchilada. Assuming there’s nothing wrong with the can, you get a full store credit for whatever you want. Say you spend about $300 on some sort of Cambell’s Chicken Noodle/ Tomato Soup extravaganza. The lady at the register might take you for some sort of crackpot militia type; but sure enough, you come back a week later with all of those cans and a receipt your as good as Jew gold. Next thing you know, you got a bathtub full of malted liquor and pregnancy tests you can take to Target for a store credit.
People ask me how I have been unemployed for so long but still manage to keep myself in bedecked in the the finest of Walmart attire. I might smile smugly, but I always remember to thank Uncle Sam every time we sit down to supper in front of the TV.
“Dear lord, thank you for this wonderful bounty of canned peaches and Hungry Man brand dinners,” and I mutter, “and the 27 inch Sony picture-in-picture I got perched atop that particle board figurine stand… AND may the lord bless us and keep the federal powers at bay. Amen. Please pass the mayonnaise sandwiches.”
—Cyrus
11-1-1998
Dear Diary:
Sometimes I feel like I might be in the wrong when I draw them patterns into the velour jumpsuit; maybe it’s because I should pay attention to my own wedding, or maybe it’s because I can't figure how many of them velours it took to make the damn thing.
It’s always been a dream of mine to raise a velour farm, but you know how them PETA types can be; and there ain’t no way I’m going to raise those suckers free-range. Ever since I was eight and started petting my momma’s robe, I knew that raising them is my destined vocation; and I’ve been told that they could be about the sweetest damn creature on God’s green earth. I mean have you ever heard of one of them attacking an eight-year-old? Guess that’s why they don’t make these suits out of Rottweillers.
—Cyrus
11-10-1998
Dear Diary:
Anyways. Times they are a changing. I can’t get my ammo from the K-Mart anymore because of that Michael Moore fella. I don’t harbor any ill will towards him, I pray for him every Sunday. In fact whenever I get mad at him or the repo man or whatever, I make the time to go down to the Dolly Pond Church of God to listen to the music and dance holding some of nature’s holy serpents. I haven’t been bit but once, and that’s because I wasn’t opening my heart to the scripture. I still can’t hold nothing with my left hand but a longneck, and even then I still have to use to both hands to keep from spilling on my privates.
Well diary, guess that’s enough for today, the Price is Right is almost on the TV. One more thing before I go though; at some point this week I hope that the Publisher’s Clearing House man stops by with my check. I thought I was a winner almost 7 months ago, but all I got to show for it is three subscriptions to Redbook and a Conde Nast beer cozy. If he don’t show, I don’t know how I’m going make payments for my satellite dish.
—Cyrus
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