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I told myself I’d stop drinking red wine, but I can’t seem to vomit without it. I’ve got a special deal with Trader Joe’s that allows me to purchase their infamous ‘Two Buck Chuck’ for 49 cents instead of $1.99. I’ve been printing my own labels, emblazoned with the image of über-rapper, ’50 Cent’. I switch the label before I am to receive important guests at my home...
It’s been cold in Los Angeles. And when it gets cold, I fancy the usual entertainment: I’ve been dragging kittens behind my car all day and terrorizing pedestrians with wiper fluid jets aimed outward. It’s my own urine, in fact, projected upon the standers-by. I read an article in Popular Mechanics which suggested the anti-bugging power of urine as an alternative to traditional wiper fluids. Although sun-baked urine doesn’t smell so nice, I always try to follow the advice of Popular Mechanics.
Is it just me, or are my walls completely covered with dried semen?
Been having more nasty, unsavory thoughts about Ron Popeil. Can’t seem to get him out of my mind no matter what I do. The image of him standing upon the Acropolis in Athens, bearing a toga and with several of his imaginative products strewn about at his feet, will not leave my belabored mind. He! The progenitor of Ronco, the greatest clearinghouse of useless products every assembled. Why must I suffer? Ancient society would have undoubtedly benefited from his ingenuity. Imagine a Greek society with the Electric Food Dehydrator and Yogurt Maker©, or the Showtime Professional Rotisserie Oven and BBQ©. And think how modern, Western life look today if the ancient Greeks had the Automatic 5-Minute Pasta and Sausage Maker© or the Inside the Shell Electronic Egg Scrambler©. And let’s not forget about how the Dial-a-Matic Food Slicer© or the instant classic, Ronco Bagel Cutter© changed our lives forever. Ron came along at the wrong time. He was meant to knock shoulders with Aristippus of Cyrene, Archytas of Terentum, Thucydides, Eudoxus of Cnides, Merideth of Baxter Berney, Leucippus of Cos, Euclid of Megara and others. And did you know that the Flip-It!© makes flipping food on the BBQ or in the frying pan safer? Ron’s newest invention, the Flip-It©, protects your hand from hot spattering oil when turning over foods in a frying pan, or from fire when turning over foods BBQ. This man should be studied and revered in public schools and universities throughout the world! This is a great man, people! A very great man!
Yup. That’s definitely dried semen covering my walls.
Comment. (2224) | Posted by fritz in West Coast Hysterics (6) on November 14, 2003 | TrackBack
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