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a l w a y s t a n t a l i z i n g , n e v e r p r o m i s c u o u s |
In accordance with the wishes of our benevolent overseers, we at the Public Broadcasting System have updated our programming. We are certain that all Americans will appreciate our morally appropriate and balanced new lineup. Here are just a few of the changes that will make PBS the kind of network that everyone can enjoy:
The NewsHour
No longer a home for long-winded, liberal tirades about pointless issues like the minimum wage and Medicaid, The NewsHour will now feature a weekly video essay from Rev. John Hagee of San Antonio, TX, a 40-minute sports segment, and a news ticker crawl that will inform citizens of President Bush's latest initiatives. Host Jim Lehrer has been neutralized.
The Civil War
This classic documentary miniseries will be re-aired, with slight adjustments. In the new version, the God-fearing South will defeat the heathen, money-lending Yankees, ushering in a golden age of tent revivals and lynching. The History Channel has also been invited to produce high-quality, slow-motion re-enactment segments and to provide a comparison between the battlefield tactics of Stonewall Jackson and Erwin Rommel.
NOVA
Cancelled; replaced by TRUTH, a weekly program highlighting recent advances in Intelligent Design.
Sesame Street
This program's long history of inspiring children's imaginations and teaching tolerance for all people must finally come to an end. Classic characters like Big Bird, Oscar the Grouch, and Count von Count will be eliminated in a 9/11-themed disaster episode, to be replaced by more suitable characters, including Sergeant Victory, a 6'2" Marine with no patience for lollygagging; John and Susan Smith, a middle-class white couple from Nebraska who love their kids; and Fuzzles, a happy-go-lucky Christian puppet whose catch phrase, "Hey kids, let's praise the Lord!" is sure to fill children’s hearts with His love. Cookie Monster's new, healthy diet will be further modified to include communion wafers, and the program will feature 75% more Elmo.
BBC World News
Cancelled; replaced by Listen to Limbaugh, a 30-minute news and analysis program featuring hilarious Democrat bloopers, tales of lazy Mexicans, and shamefully concealed prescription drug abuse.
The Nightly Business Report
Will continue in exactly the same format.
Clifford the Big Red Dog
It is not appropriate to give children the idea that their pet should be oversized or rouge-hued. This program’s ridiculous premise will therefore be reworked, and a new show, Clifford the Small Brown Dog, will take its place. The new Clifford will fetch, sit, and roll over, and will teach children the importance of abandoning fancy in favor of hard work and obedience.
Charlie Rose
This program is an important venue for public figures to express their views in a calm, direct, and engaging format. Cancelled. Replaced by Man vs. Beast, the former Fox program in which humans are pitted against animals in feats of strength and cunning. Is a baby smarter than a monkey? Is an Olympic sprinter faster than a giraffe? Can a former heavyweight punch out an ostrich? Tune in and find out!
We at PBS are happy to say that we have finally caught up with the rest of the nation, and our programs' content will no longer expose people to disturbing subjects like political engagement, racial equality, and the fine arts. We also have big plans for the future of the network as a whole, including the incorporation of 8 minutes of commercials in every half hour of programming, and, beginning in 2008, the complete elimination of PBS altogether.
Get ready, America: it’s gonna be a great final three years!
Comment. (1145) | Posted by ryan c in According to RC (27) on May 04, 2005 | TrackBack
Hilarious! The "Hagee" inclusion is so appropriate, and the new characters for "Sesame Street" made me laugh out loud! Let's hope none of this really comes to pass.
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